Our Stories
It feels good to be blogging again. These last few months have been deeply confronting and difficult. I have withdrawn into silence, as I often do when I am hurt and grieving. The loss of my dear step-father, trusted spiritual mentor, Kathy and the anniversaries of both of my parents deaths left me in the dark with not much inclination to seek the light.
Yet, even when we are at our darkness moments, life will always call us back into the light if we let it. We are built to continue and move forward...ever growing toward the sun.
Grief is such a mysterious process. I say process because it takes as long as it takes and we each experience it in different ways. Unfortunately, I have become quite an expert at it in the past few years.
I often get so stuck in my grief story that I find myself unconsciously practicing it over and over in my mind. It is true that I have been "orphaned" and those Elders I held so dear have crossed into death. But, do I need to practice that story, or truth, over and over like a difficult passage of music that I just can't figure out? That haunting motif of being alone can engulf me until it is all I can see or experience. When I change my focus, I remember that I am surrounded by people who care.
I remember the other "truth" which is that in my deepest self, I can never be alone. Those I have loved and held dear are always here within me and whispering to me through the ethers and my dreams. I could choose to practice tuning in to their sweet energies as often as I practice tuning into the lack or loss of their energy. We have been taught that through the Law of Conservation of Energy, their energy never dies. If we believe that, mustn't we also believe that even if the physical body is no longer, the energy of our Beloveds live forever?
So...I have decided to tell myself a new story. What if the loss of my Elders is designed for me to step up and become an Elder myself. What if those lonely feelings caused by the "I am a lost and abandoned orphan" story are there to propel me outside of myself so I can hold up others who may feel lost or abandoned? What new stories can I tell myself to inspire my ability to light the way for the paths of others.
My business coach has challenged me to write the stories of my life this month. I have been full of resistance but every coach needs a coach to pull her to new levels of development. When I finally laid down my resistance and began to write, it occurred to me that these stories are the individual particles of who I am. As I relive these stories from where I am now in my life, I notice how the particles or stories change and shift. They uncover new and different facets of who I am from this perspective. I am filled with gratitude to be able to tell the stories again...even to myself.
What stories are you telling yourself, dear one? Are they stories about how brilliant and needed you are? Are they stories about what you have lost? Are they stories that inspire you to new patterns of action? Are they stories that keep you entrenched in the past? Please remember, if we can practice the scary stories, we can also practice the stories of triumph and victory. Whichever you choose, remember...the story is not over. You get to write the next chapters. The pen is in your hand. What are you going to write next?